Studies have shown the psychological stress experienced by women with infertility is similar to that of women coping with illnesses like cancer and HIV.
Cancer looks easy to me right now. There is no way to describe the pain. It feels like a punch from a boulder. In the stomach and the heart. It is recurring, seared into your heart every minute. It feels like something that is your right, that you are born with, has been taken away. The anger. There is so much anger towards every single person. Everyone I look at, speak to, hear about…. I hate each of them. Going about life, with no pain, no struggle. Life is so easy for everyone else. It is not fair. Do not tell me “it will happen”. You do not know that. Each appointment, each question, each intrusive test, feels violating. This was supposed to be private. Sad. So very sad. My eyes fill with tears too often. Mourning the loss of a life I had envisioned for myself. The way things were supposed to be. My baby was supposed to come from love, not paid for on credit cards I will never be able to pay off. I wanted to go into life altering debt buying baby supplies. Endless clothes and bottles. Blindsided by the difficulty of trying to conceive. An overwhelming sense of loss. Life seems like it is spiraling out of control, yet on hold at the same time. Denial. Each month hoping for a positive result, followed by sadness. The constant disappointment. When will it turn around? Is there a reason? Anxiety increasing each day. There are rarely days I can catch a full breath and feel healthy. I am damaged. Powerless. Hopeless. Immobile.
I don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. Anything social comes with pressure. Pressure to celebrate life, to enjoy it, to talk about it. The difficulty is unbearable. Leave me alone.
Come find me. I need your support. I need your empathy. Acknowledge my feelings, my despair. Sit in it with me. Let me talk, let me cry, let me be me. If you have not been through it, do not say you understand. I am a good person, I could be the greatest mother of all, yet can’t get pregnant. You simply do not understand. I am kicking, screaming, and crying. Pull me out of it. Help me focus on the positive. Yes, I am dealing with infertility. Thank God I am able to see good doctors. I’m so fortunate to have my husband.
I say this prayer many times throughout each day. Am I being heard?
Dear God: I thank you for my home, my food, my car, my health. I thank you for the good health and fortune of my family. I thank you for my Steve and our love. I pray to you that you will continue to keep my family safe and healthy. Please help each of them lead a life full of health and love. I pray that you guide Steve to happiness and fulfillment in a career. And lastly, I pray to you that I become pregnant with a healthy baby. Amen.